I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
