Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
