My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Randomize
