just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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