Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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