A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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