bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize