I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
