he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
