i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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