I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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