i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
