you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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