He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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