My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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