she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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