Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
