When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
