zippers are such a cool invention
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just found a bag of teeth...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
