Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
jump out the window naked night went bad
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