Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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