I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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