I got chris browned last night
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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