At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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