NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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