i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
