Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
