I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Who died my cat blue again?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
