I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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