You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
