She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
