My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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