It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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