My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
