The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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