Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
