Just fell off a train. Bad.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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