my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I am available for nakedness
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
