he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
