i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
