I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
