3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
