Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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