ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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