just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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