ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
