Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
