I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
