my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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