I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
