Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
