He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize