Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
