I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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