hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
