i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
