Well douche your snatch and let's go!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
