I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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