I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
