i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
