I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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