If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize