Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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