I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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