My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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